What Hospice Workers Understand About Deathbed Regrets

Hospice workers have a unique opportunity to listen to the wisdom and regrets of those who are dying. These “deathbed confessions” can help guide the living to examine their own lives and make changes while they still can.

We gathered some of the common regrets shared by notable hospice staff that may inspire the living to make the most of their time while healthy and alive.

Hospice Nurse Julie

The social media star, Hospice Nurse Julie (aka Julie McFadden), has shared on several TikTok and Instagram posts and in subsequent podcasts and articles, the regrets she frequently hears from her hospice care patients at the end of life.

She explained, “Most people at the end of their life have regrets about not appreciating their health, not appreciating being alive, not appreciating – the little things – working their life away, and not spending more time with family.” McFadden says that this has helped her to understand the importance of “living presently and being in the moment, to be grateful and to not take for granted her health or little things about living life.” McFadden says it is important to spend more time with those you love and who make you feel loved, which isn’t always family.

Bronnie Ware

Bronnie Ware, the Australian author and blogger, found many common themes among her patients after years of work in palliative care. Among them:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Ware wrote a bestselling book titled "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying" looking at the wisdom and lessons from what she heard. She also feels understanding these regrets can inspire a life that’s informed by an awareness of these regrets to give the living “the opportunity right now to embody the wisdom that many realized far too late.“

Dr. Shoshanna Ungerleider

Dr. Ungerleider, the founder of the nonprofit foundation End Well and host of the new podcast "Before We Go," also has seen themes in her work trying to improve the lives of those at the end of life. Here are three of the five regrets Ungerleider has noted:

1. I didn’t spend enough time with the people I love.
2. I worked too much and missed out on life.
3. I let fear control my decisions and didn’t take risks.

The internal medicine doctor shared her advice with CNBC, “As a doctor, I’d recommend eating a balanced diet, and exercising regularly, and avoiding things like smoking and high-risk activities. Reflecting on mortality should really be on that list,” she says, adding, “Reflecting on our own mortality throughout life, whether you’re 20, 50, 80, whatever, allows us to live better every day with more meaning and purpose in our lives.”

Ungerleider’s advice is echoed by prominent death doula and author Alua Arthur who recently shared her thoughts with the Happiness Lab podcast. Arthur says acknowledging death is a helpful way to “find meaning in the things that bring us joy.”

Dr. Siddhartha Mukherjee

Pulitzer Prize-winning author and oncologist Dr. Siddhartha Mukherjee says there are four themes common in the last words or “offerings” of the dying that he’s seen in the time before their transition. 

1. I want to tell you that I love you. 
2. I want to tell you that I forgive you. 
3. Would you tell me that you love me? 
4. Would you give me your forgiveness?

In a commencement speech to young graduates, Mukherjee urged them to learn from them, “I dare you to use these words but not as empty clichés. Imbue them with real meaning. Do it your way, whatever your way is.”

Remembering Mortality and Planning Ahead

Death doula Arthur recommends that by doing a simple exercise, living people can find a more meaningful life. She suggests you stand in front of a mirror and simply say "I’m going to die." While it sounds morbid, this concept of remembering mortality is an ancient one and can make the rest of your days more fulfilling, she and other “death positive” advocates say.

And with that awareness of your mortality, you can also take the burden off your family by planning ahead. We can help you get started, including ideas for affordable and creative, non-traditional funerals.

We hope by learning about the regrets that hospice workers encounter in their work, the living will be inspired to both live their best lives and plan ahead.