A Soundtrack for Mourning: Music’s Power in Grief

How to Choose Songs for Grief and Memorials

“There is nothing else that can meet us in our heartbreak, elevate our spirits, move us to laughter, and let us dream in the way that music can,” the San Diego hospice chaplain, Chris Sikora, argued in the New York Times. Sikora made the case for the healing power of music in the midst of the pandemic, but his advice still rings true today.

“When grief renders words inadequate, music can give a voice to overwhelming visceral emotion,” the Conversation website further explains, illustrating this with a story of spontaneous singing that took place at a UK memorial.

Whether a music lover chooses to have their cremated remains turned into a record or a composer creates a meditation on grief and loss, the power of song is undeniable. 

Many studies have shown the connection between music and healing whether mourners are writing original songs or listening to mixtapes from the couch as they journey through grief and loss.

Selecting the Perfect Soundtrack for Funerals

If you are choosing music for a loved one’s celebration of life, memorial, or funeral, whether online or in-person, large or small, traditional or trendy, consider these tips.

Pay Attention to Copyright

Even virtual music has its own set of considerations and some streaming services will block copyrighted music. Original music, a hymn, or a folk song are options that avoid copyright headaches. The following isn’t legal advice but a good rule of thumb from the US Copyright Office:

The length of copyright protection depends on when the music was written or published:

• After January 1, 1978: The copyright lasts for the life of the author plus 70 years
• Between 1964 and 1977: The copyright lasts for 95 years from the publication date
• Before 1923: The music is likely in the public domain, meaning anyone can use it freely

Understanding these guidelines can help you avoid issues and ensure a smooth flow of music during the ceremony.

Consider the Tone

Decide what music is appropriate for your loved one’s memorial or funeral: solemn, poignant, celebratory, or lighthearted? Then consider if you would prefer one cohesive tone, or if it makes sense for there to be different moods during different parts of the service. For example, you might begin with a gentle instrumental piece, transition to a favorite song during the slideshow, and end with a hopeful, uplifting track.

Ask Family and Friends to Contribute

Reach out to friends and family, letting them know you are assembling a musical selection for a funeral, memorial, or celebration of life. Collecting suggestions or meaningful songs from those who knew your loved one can make the playlist even more special and personal. Decide if you want to personalize the music to reflect a musical genre that was a favorite of your loved one. Choose between classic or popular songs, or consider a mix.

Carefully Read or Listen to the Lyrics 

This is time-consuming, but sometimes the lyrics of a song can be surprising and may not be what you had hoped for your loved one’s memorial or funeral. Listen carefully and read the lyrics online. Even familiar tunes can have unexpected themes or words that may not align with the tone of the service.

Humor, Individuality Important

In 2019, the most popular song in a UK survey of funeral and memorial song choices was Frank Sinatra’s “My Way.” The survey revealed that humor was important, too, making “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” the No. 2 choice of requested songs.

Whatever music you choose to memorialize a loved one, whether in service or as you grieve for them (or both), there is no single or right choice. Just remember, as chaplain Sikora reminds us, the power of music to “fuel our dreams and embolden hope.”

With thoughtful consideration, music can be a powerful tribute, offering comfort and connection for everyone gathered to honor the life of your loved one. You can also add personalized memorial items, including treasured mementos from your loved one or customized candles to set on tables. For more ideas, see our resources on funeral and celebration planning.