Invite Death Conversations to Your Table This Holiday Season
As you pull your turkey out of the oven and gather friends and family around the table, why not make room for an often uninvited guest – the topic of death?
According to “Death over Dinner” founder, Michael Hebb, whether it is Thanksgiving turkey, Hanukkah latkes, or a Christmas roast, dinner is the perfect opportunity to discuss a topic that’s been taboo in our culture.
Whether you participate in an organized gathering or do a DIY-version on your own, we have tips on engaging in difficult conversations while gathered around the table.
Dinner Conversations Inspired by Father’s Death
Inspired by his experience with the death of his father when he was still just a teen, and stories he heard from others who had missed important conversations with loved ones, Hebb founded Death Over Dinner, a global effort to get people talking about death around the dinner table. Tens of thousands of dinners have been held around the world.
As Hebb’s book and video explain, the project was created to normalize the conversation around death. For example, though many Americans want to die at home, not a hospital, it was only recently that more people were able to do so. This inspired Hebb to get people talking about what they wanted before it would be too late.
At the Death Over Dinner website, you can register for sample questions and get instructions on conducting a dinner yourself. A PDF guide is available for hosts and guests with simple instructions on how it works.
As this charming animated video explains, not talking about what you want at the end of your life is like wanting to go to Aruba on vacation only to have your well-meaning family send you to Antarctica because you didn’t tell them what you wanted.
Advice for Talking About Death Over Dinner
A few things to avoid, the video explains:
- Don’t surprise people
- Don’t hog the “talking stick”
- Keep the food simple
- Put your phone away
- Allow plenty of time
- Set the right ambiance
Dinner for Younger Grievers
While the Death Over Dinner movement is one inspiration for tackling difficult conversations over holiday meals, there are other similar projects to explore.
The Dinner Party is an organization aimed at younger grievers, for people 21 to 45 who are seeking peer-led support. They train hosts to hold dinner parties for 10 - 12 others. Their mission is “to transform some of our hardest conversations and most isolating experiences into sources of community support, candid conversation, and forward movement using the age-old practices of gathering and breaking bread.”
Since 2014, the organization has brought together more than 10,000 people and there are more than 4,000 regular “partiers” in more than 100 cities.
Whether you’re hosting your own holiday gathering or joining groups like Death Over Dinner or The Dinner Party, there’s comfort in these familiar rituals.
As cofounder Lennon Flowers told Good Housekeeping, “Dinner tables are familiar to everybody,” Lennon says.“When you don’t know what to say, you pick up a glass or a fork.”
By starting these conversations now, you create a space for openness and understanding that can make all the difference down the road. Whether it's around the holiday table or another familiar setting, it's never too early to discuss what truly matters. For more on starting these important conversations, explore additional resources to talk about funeral planning.